I have realised I am ridiculously bad at writing. I promise a series on fertility and such and then I forget about it. So I’m sliding in 15 minutes before Mothers’ Day, because I realise I have so many things on my mind that I want to pen down and instagram isn’t enough.
First up, Happy Mothers’ Day! It is truly a day to celebrate our mothers, you if you’re a mom, and if you’ve mentored people younger than you (that makes almost every woman!) Now that I’m a mom, Mother’s Day to me is a reminder of God’s faithfulness in His promises to me, and His grace and mercy even in my unbelief (of becoming a mom).
But in the mix of all the emotions that come in on this day, I remember a lot of yearning while waiting on being a mom, “when’s it my turn”, and “why not me?” If you’re in this situation, this illustration is for you. I see you, I was you, and I want to send love your way. If you need someone to talk to about it, I’m always here and ready to listen.
In my waiting there were many hard lessons that I had to learn – all this, without knowing whether I would eventually become a mom or not:
Hard work got me nowhere. As someone who firmly believed in study harder and get better grades, want something work for it. It was humbling to realize there was N O T H I N G that I could do that would help me have a baby. I could try supplements, and TCM, and maybe even hormonal medicines, but if the egg didn’t fertilise there was nothing more I could do. If it didn’t stick, there was nothing I could do either. That broke me. But it also taught me that I only could rely on God.
Then came acceptance and love. I had to learn that God loves me and knows my desire to have a child. He loves even though He may not gift me a child. This one was hard to stomach. Then came the realisation that I only had “Jesus loves me this i know for the bible tells me so” in my head. But my heart didn’t truly believe it. So that was me digging deep and really understanding what God’s love meant to me.
Faith. Faith in God’s perfect plans for me – and that included a possibility of me not having children. There was always something to worry about and if I couldn’t stop worrying about getting pregnant, I won’t be able to stop worrying about how healthy my baby is in my womb. Will they survive the birth? Are they alive even while they’re sleeping? What if she has learning difficulties as she grows up? What if she turns on me when she grows up? What if I lose my child to mental illness? Or bad friends? Or what if we don’t have enough money to raise our child? – The worry never ends. It is a reminder to me that only God knows, and we pray in faith that he will care for our family.
Feelings are complex. It is possible to rejoice for someone and feel sad for yourself. Thankfulness of being a mom and yearning for another can also coexist. Feeling jealous is normal, and it was important for me to recognise that I did feel this way before I could surrender the feelings to God. All these feelings are valid
3 years after we started trying we finally have a bub to call our own. And all in all, thankfulness. I’m definitely more thankful when I look at my daughter now. She isn’t always an angel and she does make me mad sometimes, just like any other child… But I am thankful. Thankful that through all this God still allows me to have a child. I know it doesn’t turn out this way for everyone, but I am thankful that God knows what’s best, and he knows what we can handle.
As I embark on the journey of trying yet again, I’ll be honest to say the previous experience still haunts me. I’m learning that motherhood and infertility are not mutually exclusive. In fact so many of us experience both at the same time – the joy of one and yearning for another, and that can also be so emotionally conflicting. But that’s another story for another day.